Determined to stumble.

I have a problem with perfection.

 I've known this for a while, and I am pretty sure this is something Jesus has known for a while. (Yes, that is a touch of sarcasm.) I am a people pleasing, scared to fail, compare myself to everyone around me kind of girl. When did this happen? I'm not even sure how it happened?!

 It has been a long and hard walk these last 5 years as Jesus has torn me apart and restored me at the same time. I've left people behind and gathered new ones along the way, stepped out of ministry completely and have had Jesus call me back. I'm still determined to stumble and open the door to that people pleasing woman who calls me a failure and tells me everyone else is better and more successful, but the beautiful thing is this- it never lasts. Not because Jesus responds sooner or has finally decided to some thing (He never leaves me or forsakes me; Deut. 31:6, Heb. 13:5) because Jesus has been there all along, every second. It's me. It's what He has done to me and for me.

He has caused me to hear Him as I come to know Him.
He has caused me to desire Him more than anything else. (Let's face it. Pity parties get attention.)
He has caused me to know His voice.
He has given me friendships that speak His truth.
He has given me a husband who shows me  my value.

Whenever I question my value, worth or identity, I am always firmly pointed back to Jesus. It is so much easier to rest in Him than to fight this in my own strength. To pray. To meditate on scripture. To allow Jesus to speak to that part of me and show me/her what He is doing.

And that's pretty much it... A thank you to Jesus for not giving up on me or tossing me by the wayside. For being who He is by nature:
The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.
The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers,
we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.
But the love of the LORD remains forever
with those who fear him. His salvation extends
to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!
(‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭8-18‬ NLT)